PTA Pop Awards (The Anti-ARIAs)

The above picture captures the highlight of this year's ARIA Awards - and Ricki-Lee's fabulous red carpet performance took place before the show even started. The nominations become more bogus with each passing year but 2007's nominees take the cake. It appears that you need to be a rock band or a boring as bat shit singer-songwriter to have a chance in hell of receiving any kind of industry recognition. I'm so dismayed with the event that I have decided to hand out my own awards in recognition of Australia's most poptastic performers. As far as I'm concerned, Sarah Blasko can sit on her ARIA and rotate.

Best Cover Version

He's The Greatest Dancer - Dannii

Dannii's #37 smash hit cover version of "He's The Greatest Dancer" stays true to the Sister Sledge original, creating a classic for a whole new generation of fags.

Magic - Melinda Jackson

Melinda turned "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" into three and a half minutes of poptastic bliss. One of the year's most under-appreciated anthems.

Son Of A Preacher Man - Deni Hines

Deni was born to belt out this classic. The Fat Rok Radio Mix takes the song to a whole new level.

Love Is All Around - Ricki-Lee

Forget Sweden's boring Agnes Carlsson. Ricki-Lee gives the Swede a singing lesson with this amazing cover.

Turn Me Loose - Young Divas

The Young Divas specialise in covers and "Turn Me Loose" is one of their best. The guest rapper is hilarious.

Most Welcome Return

Kylie

The queen of pop returns. Enough said.

Slinkee Minx

The lovely ladies finally got around to releasing their 3rd single - two whole years after their second offering.

Robyn Loau

The ex-frontwoman of Australia's much loved Girlfriend returned after several years in the pop wilderness. Did anyone else catch her cameo on Neighbours last week? I almost fell off my lounge chair!

Cheyne

The voice of Madison Avenue can still sing about looking sexy in a nightclub as well as the next slut. "(Maybe You'll Get) Lucky" is bliss.

Candice Alley

Candice made a successful comeback with a top 20 hit and released a floptastic album before disappearing again.

Best Pop Remix

Take It Off (Andy Caldwell Mix) - Brielle Davis

Andy Caldwell transformed a decent pop song into one of the year's truly great floorfillers.

Other honorable mentions:

I'm Coming Out (Mobin Master Mix) - Marcia Hines
Keep It Natural (Taylor Square Mix) - Cosima De Vito
Jump On Board (Tommy Trash Club Mix) - Betty Vale
Son Of A Preacher Man (Fat Rok Radio Mix) - Deni Hines

Best Unreleased Track

Delicious - Chloe Lattanzi

Olivia Newton-John's daughter might be crazier than La Toya Jackson but there's no denying that she is a major talent. "Delicious" is one of the most disturbing, touching and insanely catchy songs of the year.

Runners-Up:

Fake It Good - Melissa Tkautz
Not Enough - Melissa Tkautz
Lose Control - Kylie
The Other Side - Brielle Davis

Best Band

Young Divas

This group of Australian Idol rejects cops a lot of flack for their choice of material but I don't see any reason to mess with a winning formula. Their debut album is pop classic and the follow-up promises to be as good if not better.

Slinkee Minx

These lovely ladies released one of the year's best albums and a killer single, "Way Of Life". It's a utter tragedy that they haven't met with greater success.

Sneaky Sound System

The only decent pop act not to be ignored by the ARIAs. Sneaky Sound System's self-titled album is great fun and the excellent singles keep on coming.

The Hampdens

One of the few critically acclaimed bands not to bore me to tears. I love "Generation Y" and am looking forward to their album.

Girlband

They were kind of shit but "Electric", their second single (and last - as it turns out), was surprisingly good.

Best Video Clip

Looking For A Rabbit - Laura Imbruglia

This gorgeously animated video is a work of art.

Disco In My Car - Suzy Ray

Tacky costumes, poor special effects and a bad dance routine - "Disco In My Car" serves up everything I love in a video clip!

Viva Las Vegas - She Is The King

Australia's leading female Elvis impersonator decorated her first video with drag queens and gay boys. Colour me impressed.

She Devil - Robyn Loau

A stunningly beautiful video clip filmed at the magnificent 12 Apostles.

Sexy - Roxane

Indescribably tragic. I love it.

Most Anticipated Release

A tie between:

Unleashed - Dannii

It's kind of perverse to be so excited about collection of scrapped material but Dannii's old tat promises to be amazing.

X - Kylie

The leaked songs are all brilliant (with one obvious exception) and "2 Hearts" is deceptively fabulous. Bring it on!

Honorable mentions:

Songs Of Love And Loss - Tina Arena

Tiny Tina releases her first English language album since 2004 in December. The perfect Christmas present.

Get Me Home - Jade Macrae

Jade's record company is promising "sexy electro-pop and soulful vocals". They've won me over.

New Attitude - Young Divas

This collection of covers will include poptastic versions of "Jump" by The Pointer Sisters and Diana's "Chain Reaction". I've already ordered my copy!

The Just Fuck Off Already Award

Dulta

The dreary one's new album explores her blossoming sexuality with unintentionally hilarious results. Never before have so many bad metaphors appeared on the one album. This shit is almost unlistenable.

Missy Higgins

This cunt's pretentious music is almost as shithouse as Dulta's. I'd rather listen to feral cats fornicate.

Rogue Traders

Another album of soulless electro-pop voiced by the singing arsehole herself. Is the occasional melody too much to ask for?

Best Male Vocalist

The Chief

Yes, I'm serious.

Best Female Vocalist

Dannii

2007 belongs to Dannii with 4 albums scheduled for release in addition to one of the best singles of her career.

Runners Up:

Kylie

It must be cold there in Dannii's shadow.

Brielle Davis

This fabulous diva has released a killer single, an awesome acoustic EP and is sitting on a treasure trove of unreleased gems. 2008 might be her year.

Melinda Jackson

Another diva to watch. "Fall In Love" and "Magic" rank as two of the finest pop tracks of the year. Her debut album is scheduled for early next year.

Deni Hines

My homegirl has mad skillz. Deni raised the bar for local urban pop before conquering the jazz world with her stunning collaboration with James Morrison, "The Other Woman".

The Ripe For A Comeback Award

Collette
Pardon the pun, but this icon of the pop world still rings my bell. Someone give this goddess a record deal!

Other sorely missed local acts:

Girlfriend
The Chantoozies
Toni Pearen
Sirens

Album Of The Year

Electric Dreams - Slinkee Minx

A double album bursting with pop gems. Well worth hunting down.

Showgirl Homecoming - Kylie

The perfect souvenir for anyone who attended the concert.

Brand New Day - Ricki-Lee

A surprisingly accomplished and consistently excellent album. Vastly underrated.

Laura Imbruglia - Laura Imbruglia

Technically released late last year but this album hasn't left my stereo in 2007. I love every song and I'm convinced that Laura is my celebrity soulmate - in a non-stalker kind of way.

The Other Woman - Deni Hines & James Morrison

Deni's amazing voice combines superbly with James' phenomenal musicianship to breathe new life into some of the best songs ever written.

Single Of The Year

Touch Me Like That - Dannii

A throbbing dancefloor anthem built around a sample of Sylvester's "Mighty Real". Orgasmic.

Take It Off (Andy Caldwell Mix) - Brielle Davis

It was love at first listen.

Disco In My Car - Suzy Ray

Pure pop at its finest. I really hope it isn't the last we see of Suzy.

In The Basement - Jade Macrae

Australia's urban queen embraces pop with fantastic results.

2 Hearts - Kylie

Experimental Kylie makes me nervous but this is definately a grower.

The End!