The Holly Van

After taking a 6 year hiatus to pursue acting, which included playing a corpse on CSI and a Russian stripper on Prison Break, Holly Valance is busily planning her return to the music scene. The former Neighbours star recently revealed that she's working on songs with Frankmusik for her third album and I couldn't be any more excited. Holly always stood out from the other pop zombies. For better or worse, usually the latter, she spoke her mind and refused to play by the rules. This is a woman who basically killed her own career by calling the British public "bitter and twisted" (during a UK promotional tour no less!) and was told off by a Judge for excessive publicity whoring. The amusing list of anecdotes goes on but there's one I can't help but mention - the tragic case of the Holly Van!

Whenever I think about Holly, my mind instantly races to a Christina Aguilera concert in December 2003. It was Christina's first visit to Australia and a huge crowd was starting to build outside the Entertainment Centre. Just as we were getting ready to go inside, someone started playing "State Of Mind" at near deafening volume. I half expected to find a demented fan with a boombox but was surprised to discover the music coming from a van covered in Holly Valance posters, which had just pulled up outside the venue. Using a vehicle to promote an artist is hardly out of the ordinary (Flo Rida's record company recently hired a tank to drive around Sydney blasting songs from his latest album) but actually crashing another diva's concert has to be a first! Naturally, I was drawn to the Holly Van like a rat to the Pied Piper and struck up a conversation with one of the promoters who was trying to give away merchandise to disinterested Christina fans. I think I got a couple of posters but the most fabulous gift was a model replica of the van itself - pictured above on my computer. It remains one of my favourite pieces of music memorabilia, perfectly summing up the sad desperation of Holly Valance circa 2003.

The depressing thing is that Holly really had no reason to be sad or desperate. I personally thought her debut album was a hideous trainwreck but I've been singing the praises of "State Of Mind" to anyone who will listen for years. In my opinion, it's one of the great pop albums of the noughties, right up there with "Neon Nights" and "Fever". "State Of Mind" was also a hugely influential album, not that anyone will admit it. Holly was the first commercial pop star to mix electro into her pop - years before Lady GaGa and Robyn got around to it. In fact, it's quite startling how fresh the album still sounds. The magnificent lead single wouldn't be out of place on radio today, while the stunning video (below) is still a million times hotter than anything Britney has ever come up with. That Ramones singlet is THE SEX!

The rest of "State Of Mind" is just as impressive. Jeff and Mark Taylor (Metro) contribute the dark and brooding "Desire", which was originally slated as the second single before the project was scrapped. Kylie's favourite collaborator, Steve Anderson, delivers the goods on "Hypnotic" and "Curious" but really strikes gold on the incredibly fierce "Roll Over". I'm not surprised that Holly has a writing credit on the track. It's got her mouthy attitude stamped all over it. Chris and Drew Peters (Electric Six) are the biggest surprise. I can't believe these guys haven't been snapped up by every pop tart on the block. They contribute the sublime "Everything I Hate" and fiery "Tongue Tied" as well as my favourite song on the entire album - the gorgeous "Ricochets", which displays a softness and subtlety that I would have thought beyond Holly.

With any luck, "State Of Mind" will be re-visited and re-evaluated by pop fans if her comeback is a success. I just hope the Holly Van stays locked in the garage!


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Toni Pearen's Pop Legacy

Toni Pearen is often rudely but accurately described as the poor man's Melissa Tkautz - who in turn is the homeless man’s Dannii! Both Melissa and Toni first came to public attention as stars on the sadly missed Australian soap opera “E Street” and both embarked on fabulous pop careers in the early 90s. Toni isn’t quite in Melissa’s league of trashtastic fabulousness, mostly due to her incredibly dull image. I'll take an anorexic, plastic surgery addict over the wholesome girl next-door any day! However, Toni’s pop legacy is still rather stunning and definitely worthy of appreciation.

After Melissa unexpectedly reached number 1 with the divine “Read My Lips”, it was only a matter of time before the show’s other teenage star followed suit. Toni was quickly snapped up by Mushroom Records and released her debut single, “In Your Room”, in 1992. “In Your Room” is one of the sweetest bursts of Australian bubblegum pop to be released in the 90s. Instantly catchy and undeniably cute, the song was a deserved top ten hit and eventually went gold. With the release of her second single, the equally excellent “I Want You”, Toni appeared to be a legitimate rival to the Minogues and Melissa. “I Want You” still holds up as a gorgeous slice of mid-tempo pop. It's almost too high quality for a trashy soap star turned pop diva. “I Want You” peaked at #10 in 1993 and became Toni’s second and last gold single.

The failure of Toni’s subsequent releases is probably explained by the fact that they were quite shit and released almost a year after her two top 10 hits. Toni spent most of 1993 recording her debut album “Intimate”, which was eventually released in 1994. “Intimate” is a surprisingly good pop album, which is only marred by a handful of plodding tracks aimed at the American market. The album was launched with Toni’s third single, “Walkaway Lover”. Unfortunately, the song limped to #35 and “Intimate” could only manage #56 on the album chart. “Walkaway Lover” is a cover of an old Sonia track and probably the closest that Toni ever came to tacky Euro-pop. I like “Walkaway Lover” but it poorly represents the polished American sound of “Intimate” and basically killed the album. The funky title track would have been a much better choice to launch the album or perhaps the camp “Looking At You”. A further single, “Joy”, was released in 1995 but Toni’s time had passed and the song could only manage #71 despite being a rather lovely pop anthem.

Toni returned to television in 1994 with a brief stint on “Home & Away” and even managed to star in a couple of films, most notably the classy “All Men Are Liars” in which Toni memorably fell in love with a drag queen. Toni left Australia in 1995 to pursue music and acting opportunities in the US and somehow managed to score a deal with Chrysalis Records. Despite staying in Los Angeles until 2003, Toni never managed to score a role or release a solitary song. The most fabulous part of Toni’s American exile was her column in Woman's Day, which reported on her "glamorous Hollywood lifestyle" with fellow no-hoper Kym Wilson. Toni finally came to her senses (unlike Kym who now works in a Los Angeles clothing store) and returned to Australia to host "Australia's Funniest Home Videos" in 2003. Since her return, Toni has hinted at reviving her music career and has performed at Carols By Candlelight and made an appearance on “ABBA Mania”. Toni's tens of fans wait with baited breath for her next pop masterpiece!

Sadly, Toni's stunning album is not available on iTunes. It does, however, turn up frequently on Australian Ebay.



Australian Pop Queens - Melissa Tkautz & Toni Pearen
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Stephanie Mcintosh - Princess Fiona Returns

Am I the only one who thinks Stephanie Mcintosh looks like Princess Fiona from "Shrek" - after she's been turned into an ogre? It's not Stephanie's fault that she looks like Kim Clijsters' twin sister but she is to blame for churning out yet another generic pop-rock single. It appears that the Australian public is also tiring of the poor man's Hilary Duff, if the moderate chart placing of "So Do I Say Sorry First?" is any indication. Unlike her previous releases, this single barely scraped into the top 40. Despite the generally shit nature of "So Do I Say Sorry First?", the single is still worth purchasing for a couple of excellent remixes (the bonus poster of Princess Fiona should also appeal to masochists). I wish Stephanie would concentrate on a more traditional pop sound, all of her singles have sounded far better after being remixed. I've uploaded the Steve Mac Electrik Disko Mix, which takes a while to get going but is definitely worth the wait.

Help Stephanie afford plastic surgery by purchasing her single from Sanity or Chaos.Source URL: https://popmusicrecords.blogspot.com/search/label/Soap%20Stars
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Rest In Peace - Sally Spectra

Amidst the hordes of reed thin, blond bimbos littering the odious daytime television landscape, one woman stood out as a true original. I'm talking about the recently deceased Darlene Conley, who will be forever remembered as embodying one of television's greatest characters, the inimitable Sally Spectra. Darlene died from stomach cancer on the 14 of January and this Pop Trash Addict has been in mourning ever since. "The Bold & The Beautiful" has been one of my favourite shows since the early 1990s. I remember coming home from school to watch it during lunch time and it was staple viewing while I was "studying" at University. As much as I love Taylor, despise Brooke and fantasise about having a threesome with Dante and Hector; the reason I keep coming back for more is Sally Spectra.

Darlene turned Sally Spectra into a cultural icon. Darlene had charisma, personality and the kind of curves that would make Sir Mix-A-Lot cum in his pants. That combined with Darlene's love of big hair and deep voice, ensured that Sally Spectra would become an instant gay icon. In fact, I don't think I've been to a single Mardi Gras without running into at least one Sally Spectra drag impersonator. However, there was a lot more to Darlene than Sally. Darlene had bit parts in films such as "The Birds" and "The Valley Of The Dolls" and, as was only recently pointed out to me, had a brief but fabulous musical career in Holland.

My gorgeous Dutch friend, Jeroen, pointed out that Darlene made a wonderfully tragic pop song to publicise "The Bold & The Beautiful" in the Netherlands. "Botch A Me" is bright and brassy, much like Darlene herself. The lyrics are almost impossibly awful and Darlene basically talks her way through the song - but I love it. I could listen to that voice all day and any song that actually includes the words "tra la la la" is ok by me. Jeroen was also kind enough to share a song that Darlene recorded with the cast of "Bold & The Beautiful" for a Christmas album, as well as Darlene's solo version of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town". "Love Is The Gift" is actually quite a pleasant ballad, while Darlene's take on "Santa Claus" is divine. I know, I will be dragging it out for many a Christmas to come.

These songs are a sweet reminder of an incredibly talented and vivacious woman, who lived for the moment and never took herself too seriously.


Darlene, you will be missed.
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Melissa Tkautz - My Trash Goddess

I can not believe Melissa's tragic new low! I was perusing the weekly rags and almost fainted when I saw this article about Ms Tkautz in "Woman's Day". Melissa is trying to drum up interest in her latest floptastic album, "The Glamorous Life", by brazenly suggesting that she is responsible for Simon Baker's Hollywood career and that she gave Marcus Graham his big break. It seems that Mel had the good fortune to fuck both of them but was sadly cast aside like a sack of old potatoes! Apparently, it took the fabulous bitch years to get over the heartbreak and devastated her to the point that she became celibate and closed herself off from the world. My favourite bit is when Melissa classily adds, "some guys thought I'd been raped!"



I can't describe how much I love Melissa right now. This is the kind of trashtastic, bottom of the barrel publicity that usually only La Toya or Dannii Minogue could pull off. The whole article is pure comedy, from the opening "Simon and Marcus left her heart and self-esteem shattered" to the caption "betrayed again". Yes, it seems that Melissa's latest boyfriend recently dumped her too. Is Mel the only person who doesn't see a pattern developing here? This is my favourite Melissa moment since she publicised her last comeback by becoming a spokeswoman for erectile dysfunction!



Bless her! Hopefully, she'll find a man who will put up with her crazy shit one of these days. In the meantime, support Mel's crumbling career and fragile grip on reality by purchasing her latest flop single "Easily Affected", which reached a lofty #82 on the Australian Singles Chart. You can order it online at Chaos. Her album has been delayed until March.
Hear more from this fabulous diva in my previous Melissa posts to be found in the November archive.




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Remembering Bec's Craptastic Pop Career

Bec Cartwright is better known these days as the stupid mole who married Lleyton Hewitt. It's a shame because Bec is one of the few local stars to have any kind of pop-trash pedigree. Not only did Bec demonstrate her astounding lack of acting ability during her stint on "Home & Away", she also belongs to that most holy category of God's creatures - the soap star turned pop queen!

However, this is not the story of a yet another has-been pop tart. The Bec saga is infinitely more amusing due to the constant stream of unfortunate comparisons made about her and another soap star embarking on a pop career, the slightly more successful Delta "Dullta" Goodrem. The comparisons with Dullta must have stung. "Innocent Eyes" was well on its way to selling one million copies, while Bec's self-titled release was lining bargain bins after a couple of weeks. As far as I'm concerned, the masses are welcome to Dullta. I'd much rather listen to Bec's trashy opus than have my ears exposed to that other silly cunt's pretentious ramblings.


Bec's brief but fabulous music career was lauched with the admittedly rather shit single, "All Seats Taken". I'm amazed that it did so well, peaking at #10. I put the song's success down to Bec's tireless touring of shopping centres and the so bad it's good video clip. The next single, "On The Borderline", is something of a pop-trash classic. It's the song that convinced me to check out Bec's album. Watch the insanely cheap video. "On The Borderline" only managed #29 in the charts and its follow up, "A Matter Of Time", stalled at #26.


The album peaked at #21 and Warners dumped her shortly after. I think Warners might have shot themselves in the foot. "Bec Cartwright" might not have sold like "Innocent Eyes" but I'm sure it did a lot better than the multitude of "credible" indie bitches who managed to keep their contracts. Well, fuck them. I'm sure Bec could use Lleyton's millions to release something independently if she wanted to. However, I get the feeling she is happy enough to sit by the pool, organising photo shoots with "Woman's Day" and occasionally hosting some craptastic TV event like the recent "ABBA-mania".

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