How does she do it? Despite being 24 months pregnant and crazier than the person who gave Cassie Davis a record deal, Mariah still manages to churn out the most fabulous video of 2010 on a budget that would make Jessica Mauboy roll her eyes and say bitch, please. In case you haven't heard it yet, Mimi has released a dance remix of "Auld Lang Syne" just in time for New Year's Eve. I know what you're thinking - finally a worthy successor to J Lo's "Waiting For Tonight"! But the diva wasn't content at recording the soundtrack to a billion drunk party pashes, she also found the time to gay up the 31st of December even further by filming the amazingly cheap video extravaganza you find below. Seriously, this kills me. If I could marry a YouTube clip I would be happy to spend the rest of eternity with this. Leave it to Mimi to squeeze her extremely pregnant arse into a low cut baby doll mini-dress and preen her flowing locks like she's still on the set of "Dreamlover". Throw in the cheapest firework projection in film history, a bunch of tacky ad-libs ("Does anybody really know the words?" at 2:25 mins) and a remix sounds like it was put together by Eiffel 65 and you have an immediate trash classic. Bow down to her for she is holy!
I firmly believe "Sexual Feeling" is the litmus test that distinguishes true Toy Soldiers from casual fans. If La Toya's 1990 cult classic makes you want to give the nearest tranny a chest to chest or throws you into a big back door shaking frenzy - chances are you officially feel the joy of Toy! As far as I'm concerned the track ranks as one of the finest achievements of 20th century pop music. Everything about "Sexual Feeling" is utterly epic and jaw droppingly trashtastic. I don't even know where to start. After all, this is a song that tastefully combines minutes of erotic groaning, legendary lines like "get it wet" and "come inside my walls", La Toya rapping as well as Japanese and Italian lyrics! A lot of the credit has to go to Claudio and Franco Donato, who spent most of the 80s at the forefront of Italo-disco until working with Toy Toy killed their respective careers. The production is like a time capsule of late 80s influences. There are touches of house, spashes of Italo disco and a strong under current of hip hop. It shouldn't work - and many would argue that it doesn't - but I find the combination utterly irresistible.
"Sexual Feeling" is also poignant because it represents the moment that La Toya threw in the towel as far as trying to be a credible pop star and became the tragic puppet of her abusive and demented ex-husband Jack Gordon. I have no doubt Jack actually believed this deliciously dirty slice of pop porn would rocket La Toya to superstardom. And in his defence, if anyone else had recorded "Sexual Feeling" it probably would have been a #1 hit on shock value alone. Particularly when you consider the fact that the song pre-dates Madonna's hypersexual "Erotica" era and Janet's super sleazy self-titled 1993 album. Speaking of La Toya's boring sister, Janet clearly ripped of "Sexual Feeling" on her 1994 single "Throb" - proving once and for all that Toy not only got the looks but also the talent! As a special treat, I've included the song's eye popping fan made video. It's already been removed from youtube for being soft porn so get in quick. Believe me, you will need a tissue at the ready! However, please note that the video version is an edit. For the full "Sexual Feeling" experience check out the five and a half minute version. Mi piace!
Holy Toy Toy's recent entry into the UK Celebrity Big Brother house has re-ignited my passion for the thinking gay's Jackson. It's not that I ever fell out of love with La Toya but after years of slightly obsessive worship, the duchess of dance and I went our separate ways in 2008. In retrospect, I was suffering from major fan fatigue. The 6 year (and counting!) wait for "Startin' Over" became increasingly frustrating and ultimately overwhelmed my adoration for the woman. I've since come to terms with the fact that La Toya's brilliant pop comeback will probably never happen and that's ok. While our stunning goddess frees the world by bringing some much needed glamour to drab bedsits across the United Kingdom, I'd like to pay tribute to one of the most amazing albums in Toy Toy's back catalogue, 1988's remarkable "La Toya". Please note - to fully understand this post the uninitiated may need to consult my La Toya dictionary.
While not my favourite toytastic opus (that honour goes to 1984's jaw droppingly brilliant "Heart Don't Lie"), "La Toya" is arguably Toy Toy's most intriguing release. To put things in context, by 1988 Michael's most beautiful and talented sister had already spent the best part of a decade trying to make her mark on the music industry - with very little success. Her first four albums flopped abysmally (despite containing some of the best pop tunes of the early 80s) and to rub salt into her wounds, Janet had just struck chart gold with "Control". The great irony being that La Toya was initially considered the most likely female Jackson to succeed by both her family and music insiders alike. I can only imagine her frustration. "La Toya" must have felt like Toy's last throw of the dice and our girl pulled out all the stops by hiring the hottest producers and songwriters of the day. Full Force, Stock Aitken Waterman and Harold Faltermeyer all contribute to the album. The result is a wonderful time capsule of late 80s pop music. It doesn't always gel (half the songs are funky R'n'B, while the rest is best described as perky Eurohouse) but it's never, ever boring. Here is my review:
You're Gonna Get Rocked!
Alright! For those of you who didn't believe, roll up ya sleeves And if you're hangin' (cool) and if you're not (leave) Cause La Toya is throwin' down with her new sound (in full effect) So give me some respect (or we'll put you in check) So kick it off boys, it's time to get correct!
So begins one of the most legendary and iconic song introductions in the history of modern music. "You're Gonna Get Rocked" not only contains the best intro of the 80s, it also put the world on notice that La Toya had undergone a radical makeover - music and image wise. The pleasant soul and bubblegum pop of her previous albums had been replaced with a funky new urban sound, while Toy's girl next door look was completely re-vamped into something resembling a transgender hooker. The sky high hair paired with her flattering bedazzled bra and leather jacket ensemble continues to inspire drag queens to this very day. Thankfully, the music matched the dizzying heights of Toy's new image.
"You're Gonna Get Rocked" is a sizzling production courtesy of Full Force - one of the most successful production teams of the past 25 years. These legends first came to prominence in the mid-80s due to their ground breaking work with Lisa Lisa & The Cult Jam and have since gone on to work with everyone from Britney Spears to Rihanna. Unlike some of the other collaborators on the album (ie. Stock Aitken Waterman), Full Force really brought their A game. Like much of the music from that era, "You're Gonna Get Rocked" sounds frightfully dated now but at the time it was a positively revolutionary mix of rap and pop sounds that skillfully pays homage to Queen's "We Will Rock You" without ripping them off. The song actually performed quite well by our La Toya's low standards - becoming a stunning #42 chart smash in New Zealand and #90 mega-hit in the United Kingdom. Make sure you get correct by watching the breathtaking video (below) or I'll put you in check! La Toya shows fat Janet who's really nasty!
You Blew
Not the ode to flatulence that the title may suggest, "You Blew" is actually another attitude filled urban jam sensationally produced by Full Force. To be honest, this is perhaps the closest La Toya ever came to borrowing the Jam & Lewis sound on "Control". However, Toy Toy takes the song to an entirely new level with her gorgeous vocals, a pristine chorus and this hot rap:
What, did I stutter? Check it out (butter) Broken hearts can mend, friend But don't depend on this 'Toy' To give you what you want, boy!
Not to mention, this classic line:
Just like your brother used to say - I want you back!
"You Blew" contains everything Toy Soldiers have come to treasure. Dodgy plays on the word "Toy" (her nickname) and shameless references to her more famous family members! The song was released as a single in some parts of Europe but in typical Toy style, it failed to chart anywhere.
Such A Wicked Love
To my mind, there are two perfect pop tracks on "La Toya". One is the Stock Aitken Waterman produced "Just Say No", the other is this exquisite anthem. While the previous Full Force productions admirably tried to imbue Miss Toy with urban credibility, "Such A Wicked Love" stays true to her pop roots and is all the better for it. Everything about this track is perfection - the combination of crisp beats, wonderful 80s sound effects, a glorious chorus, catchy hooks ("scratch my back") and rich backing vocals all result in a 5 minute screaming Toygasm that will keep you coming back to this classic again and again. I've always maintained that La Toya has a deceptively beautiful voice and Full Force really knew how to showcase it. "Such A Wicked Love" was remixed and released as a 12" single in America but - you guessed it - it was a massive flop. Check out Toy Toy's amazing "live" version below. Note the amazing male dancers!
Not Giving Up On Love
"Not Giving Up On Love", the fourth and final Full Force contribution to "La Toya", is a charming - if unspectacular - 80s ballad saved from mediocrity by another amazing intro.
Male Voice: Hey baby, I know things haven't been going easy for us lately but I want you to know that I love you and I think that you're a beautiful person. La Toya, we make beautiful love together!
Toy Toy: Yeah, I knowbut more important than that, we've got to get ourselves together. Now I know you mean it but if we truly love each other we can't give up!
Seriously, Shakespeare couldn't come up with this shit! As for the rest of the song, it's pleasant enough and proves once and for all that La Toya can hold a tune. I'd describe this as very satisfying filler.
If I Could Get To You (Featuring John Pagano)
I really think Toy should release a compilation of her fabulous duets. The great woman has shared a recording booth with both the sublime (Michael Jackson, Musical Youth and Cerrone) and the ridiculous (Janet, Tom Beser, Lee Greenwood and Jed). Regardless of her partner, the final product is always memorable. I'd never heard of John Pagano before listening to "If I Could Get To You" and to be honest, I haven't heard from him since. Working with La Toya is usually the kiss of death for most musicians, so I was surprised to learn that John is still making music - touring with the legendary Burt Bacharach, no less. He's also still a total fox. As for "If I Can Get To You" - it's an 80s R'n'B ballad by the numbers. Nothing extraordinary but still well produced (by Bobby Hart) and impressively performed.
Turn On The Radio
I mentioned earlier that "La Toya" is the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde of pop albums. The first five tracks are squarely aimed at the American market, while the remainder explore European pop trends. "Turn On The Radio" is the handy work of iconic German producer Harold Faltermeyer - best known for the 80s smash "Axel F" and for his work with the Pet Shop Boys (he co-produced their 1990 album "Behaviour"). "Turn On The Radio" is typical Flatermeyer, heavily synthesized and very catchy. I love the strange percussion effects and the cute chorus. This reminds me a little of the great pop songs that Sheena Easton was churning out in the mid-80s. I always thought "Turn On The Radio" would have made an interesting single in Europe but it was ignored in favour of the Stock Aitken Waterman produced tracks. Given Toy Toy's luck, it would have flopped like everything else she has ever released.
Just Say No
You know that a song is TRASH when it's looked down on by La Toya fans. Our high threshold for low brow entertainment is legendary! As much as it pains me to disagree with my fellow Toy Soldiers, I find the general disapproval of "Just Say No" bewildering. As far as I'm concerned, Toy Toy's relentlessly upbeat anti-drug anthem is not only the crowning jewel of "La Toya" but one of her career highlights. I would even go as far as declaring "Just Say No" one of my all time favourite Stock Aitken Waterman productions. While I generally get the feeling that La Toya was dished out the songs that Kylie & Co. had already rejected, "Just Say No" was custom made to be the theme song of Nancy Reagan's anti-drugs campaign. Instead of going for something appropriately hard hitting, the Hit Factory shat out a gloriously cheerful ditty with some of the campest lyrics of the 80s - my favourite line being "don't let them guide you, don't put that stuff inside you!" It seems only the most hardcore crap connoisseurs can truly appreciate this exquisite dish.
Does It Really Matter
While the Euro-pop songs on "La Toya" are mostly quite conventional, Steve Harvey's magnificent "Does It Really Matter" is the exception. This 6 minute opus is an early example of the house movement sweeping the UK in the late 80s. If this had been released a couple of years later, it would have been lapped up by dance fans. Unfortunately, Toy Toy was ahead of her time - as usual. I love this crazy mess. The tinny beats and quirky sound effects have dated badly but the chorus and careful production are still a lot of fun. This was the B-side to "You're Gonna Get Rocked" and just about every other floptastic single lifted from "La Toya".
(Tell Me) He Means Nothing To You At All
The album concludes with two Stock Aitken Waterman productions. The first, "(Tell Me) He Means Nothing To You At All", is fucking dreadful. That might sound harsh but in 1987 (when this was recorded) the Hit Factory were at the very peak of their game and this shit simply isn't up to scratch. Hell, Mandy Smith would have turned up her nose at "(Tell Me) He Means Nothing To You At All"! It's clear what SAW were trying to achieve with the song - instead of going with their usual carefree bubblegum pop, they tried to imitate a more American sound but failed miserably. There is no melody, the chorus is unbearably clunky and the production plods along like a drunken whore. "(Tell Me) He Means Nothing To You At All" was a single in France. And quelle surprise - nobody bought it.
(Ain't Nobody Loves You) Like I Do
Happily, "La Toya" ends on a high with a much more satisfying contribution from Stock Aitken Waterman. "(Ain't Nobody Loves You) Like I Do" is the forgotten gem of the Hit Factory's canon of great pop music. This really should have been the album's first single in the UK. The song is effortlessly catchy, upbeat and lovingly produced. Most importantly, this effort captures the essence of La Toya with its fun lyrics and general fabulousness. If you're a Stock Aitken Waterman devotee, you really need this in your collection. I slightly prefer "Just Say No" due to its unprecedented trashiness but this is much more mainstream and provides a perfect example of what La Toya is capable of when she works with decent producers. "(Ain't Nobody Loves You) Like I Do" was a released as a single everywhere in Europe except Britain. Poor Toy Toy finally experienced some $ucce$$ when this hit the top 20 - of the German dance chart. Oh well. I highly recommend watching the craptastic video (below), which only leaked in 2007. It's a brilliant reminder of everything great about the 80s. Much like this sadly underappreciated album.
Ok, let's just get it out of the way. Millie Jackson's "Back To The Shit" is (sadly) remembered for one thing and one thing only. The notorious cover. As far as I'm concerned, the photograph of Millie squatting on the toilet in her finest evening wear should be hanging in the Louvre next to the Mona Lisa. This masterpiece is high art! My favourite thing is the expression on Millie's face. I can never tell if she's having an orgasm or about to squeeze one out! Unfortunately, not everyone shares my appreciation for the finer things in life. "Back To The Shit" is often cited as having the worst cover of all time, while the album itself basically killed Millie's career. Needless to say, it's always been a favourite of mine and I thought it was about time I honoured this holy opus on Pop Trash Addicts.
Millie Jackson was a consistent presence on the American R'n'B charts throughout the 70s and 80s, scoring several top 10 hits and receiving multiple Grammy nominations. That all came to a screeching halt, however, with the release of 1989's "Back To The Shit". The fabulous cover caused a scandal but it was the album's shocking subject matter that triggered the biggest backlash. Millie's gutter mouth and saucy lyrics had made her famous but the general consensus was that she had finally gone too far by talking about getting head from lesbians, dildos, morning flatulence, oral sex, douching and "starchy" toilet seats! Time has taken the edge off some of the material but "Back To The Shit" is still outrageous even by today's standards.
A live album comprised of equal parts stand up comedy and music, "Back To The Shit" is more than just a curiosity. It's a short trip to heaven for fans and a wonderful time capsule of late 80s pop culture. Millie J kicks off the show with a scorching rendition of her 1986 hit "Hot! Wild! Unrestricted! Crazy Love" before launching into the opening monologue "Getting To Know Me". Millie makes her intentions clear from the outset by lamenting her failed attempt to clean up her image (on the highly underrated "The Tide Is Turning") and sets the tone for the album by talking about being propositioned by lesbians ("I do like head, yes, but I'm a greedy bitch. I want something to go with it!") and dildos. That bombshell is followed by a beautiful performance of "An Imitation Of Love", one of Millie's loveliest ballads.
The second comedy routine, "Love Stinks", is an expletive filled exploration of the dark side of romance that covers insightful topics such as pissing on the seat (Millie's handy hint - cut up your wig and glue it around the toilet to improve your boyfriend's aim. Think about it!) and skid marks. The proceedings plummet to a breathtakingly fabulous new low when Millie turns her attention to women's bathroom habits on "Muffle That Fart". Ms Jackson goes where nobody has dared to go before or since by discussing her loud morning flatulence. Call it low brow if you wish, I just find it piss your pants hilarious! "I'm Waiting Baby" is something akin to musical comedy with Millie singing about being stood up at a hotel. It's cute but completely overshadowed by the next track, a stunning cover of The Shirelles' "Will You Love Me Tomorrow". Everyone from Amy Winehouse to Laura Branigan has interpreted this classic but Millie's is the only version that stands toe to toe with the original.
"Investigative Reporting" has to be heard to be believed. Millie talks about a very memorable episode of Oprah (involving a woman whose vagina was sown shut by her ex-husband) and tears strips off Robin Givens. It comes as something of a relief when Millie returns her focus to singing and belts out her fabulous top 10 hit "Love Is A Dangerous Game". The song proves to be a short respite from the filth when this fabulous bitch turns her attention to AIDS and safe sex on "Sho Nuff Danjus". In my opinion, they should play this at the beginning of every school assembly. Millie even impersonates Dr Ruth while instructing the audience on how to use a condom. My favourite quip: "Pretend you're Diana Ross, reach out and touch the dick!" I'm sure Miss Ross was not amused! "Sho Nuff Danjus" proves a fitting end to an outrageous but always entertaining evening with one of music's most colourful and captivating characters.
"Back To The Shit" has been out of print for years and was only released on CD in Japan. It's worth looking for a copy on Ebay. "Back To The Shit" occasionally pops up but can be quite expensive.
How does she do it? Despite being 24 months pregnant and crazier than the person who gave Cassie Davis a record deal, Mariah still manages to churn out the most fabulous video of 2010 on a budget that would make Jessica Mauboy roll her eyes and say bitch, please. In case you haven't heard it yet, Mimi has released a dance remix of "Auld Lang Syne" just in time for New Year's Eve. I know what you're thinking - finally a worthy successor to J Lo's "Waiting For Tonight"! But the diva wasn't content at recording the soundtrack to a billion drunk party pashes, she also found the time to gay up the 31st of December even further by filming the amazingly cheap video extravaganza you find below. Seriously, this kills me. If I could marry a YouTube clip I would be happy to spend the rest of eternity with this. Leave it to Mimi to squeeze her extremely pregnant arse into a low cut baby doll mini-dress and preen her flowing locks like she's still on the set of "Dreamlover". Throw in the cheapest firework projection in film history, a bunch of tacky ad-libs ("Does anybody really know the words?" at 2:25 mins) and a remix sounds like it was put together by Eiffel 65 and you have an immediate trash classic. Bow down to her for she is holy! 
