Even the most casual reader of
Pop Trash Addicts has surely realised by now that I don’t give a fuck about musical credibility, originality or artistic integrity.
Disco dykes? Yes, please!
Poptastic grannies? Gimme more!
Foul mouthed trannies? Even better! And yet, as much as I revel in the trashy side of pop, I remain strangely immune to the dubious charms of Cascada – the massively successful Eurotrance outfit fronted by a horse faced German diva called Natalie. A collection of trance cover versions cheesier than a piss pig's cock, their debut album seemed destined for an AATW clearance sale but stunned everyone by becoming a global chart smash despite sounding like it had been dragged kicking and screaming from 1996. Don’t get me wrong – I like Cascada’s music but I fully expected them to slide into oblivion with the grace of 2 Unlimited or the Real McCoy. Their continued success seems, well, completely unnecessary.
Cascada returned to the UK top 10 in December with another craptastic cover version, “What Hurts The Most” and it’s now Australia’s turn to experience the wonder of their latest Euro-turd. Surprisingly, I’m finding it hard to muster a lot of enthusiasm. “What Hurst The Most” is shiny slice of commercial trance that will no doubt compel trashbags across the nation to grab the nearest glow stick but I can’t get past the grimly manufactured sound, the almost clinical lack of emotion and the lazy song selection. “What Hurts The Most” has been covered several times, first by
Jo O’Meara (of S Club 7 “fame”) before more recently being given the country treatment by
Rascal Flatts. I like both versions but Jo’s lovely rendition is proof that pop and emotion are not mutually exclusive. Shame she turned out to be a
suicidal racist. It’s not all bad, I guess. D’Luv revealed his secret heterosexual yearnings by
waxing lyrical about Caskanka’s breasts, while Jamie from
Poplicious highlights the innate camp appeal of the video clip (below), which finds our beloved Teutonic automaton singing heartbreaking lyrics with a beaming smile while being tattooed –no less!
As rubbish as the song is, I'm still rather taken by Yanou's obligatory Candlelight Mix. Stripped of its cheap trance trappings, this version actually sounds like it was sung by a human being instead of an emotionless robot. If “What Hurts The Most” rings your bell, take heart. Cascada’s new album, “Perfect Day”, serves up more of the same. I could only listen to it a couple of times before putting it to better use as a beer coaster but their version of Avril Lavigne’s
“Sk8ter Boi” is a rather delicious concoction. “What Hurts The Most” is released in Australia on the 18th of February. Order your copy
here.
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Now this is some scary shit. Just when I thought I'd seen it all, along comes a 13-year-old boy with a creepy hymn set to banging techno beats not heard since the glory days of Ya Kid K. Normally I'd be amused but "Mary Did You Know" is frightening on so many levels. Not in the least because little Johnny Hammer reminds me of Damien from The Omen - if he had been brought up by a gay uncle with a killer collection of S'Express vinyls. Then there's the chilling video and almost ominous lyrics. But the most disturbing thing about this future floorfiller - well, apart from it actually being kind of catchy ("baaaaaaby booooy") - is the fact that it's not a piss take. Technopraise is an American collective that specialises in Christian dance music. You know, for those moments when you feel like getting a little closer to Jesus by hitting up the club. I want to hate this but I'm completely hypnotised by its grandiose awfulness and eagerly away the next smash from the Justin Bieber of holy electro. Praise him before he eats your soul!
