Brigitte Nielsen's trash credentials are absolutely flawless. In fact, I'd go as far as saying that Brigitte is Euro-trash royalty! The one time Mrs Sylvester Stallone has done it all - Z grade movies, Playboy spreads and reality TV shows. However, her greatest contribution to modern culture is undoubtedly her amazing two album musical career. Her debut album, "Every Body Tells A Story", is wonderful but its follow up - "I Am The One... Nobody Else" - is the musical masterpiece that has cemented Brigitte's standing as a modern day icon.
"I Am The One... Nobody Else" is almost unbearably tragi-fabulous. Brigitte was happy to stay within the safety zone of Euro-pop for her debut album but explored the emerging hip hop movement for its successor and even incorporated some rapping. I think it's fair to say that Brigitte is the original Eminem! The album stiffed pretty much everywhere but has developed a cult following over the years. I listened to the album for the first time in a couple of months last night and I was so overwhelmed by Brigitte's genius that I felt the urge to touch myself and then share some of the more fabulous tracks with you. I'll come back to Brigitte's debut album another time.
"I've Got The Best Man" is a good example of the album's tone, without being quite as craptastic as the songs below. Basically, Brigitte lists why she has the best man with some seriously dubious lyrics like "my life is so complete, other men just can't compete". This song has everything: cheesy Euro-beats, heavily accented rapping and a sax solo!Nothing will prepare you for the splendour of "Give Me A Chance". The song begins with Brigitte ringing the doorbell and finding some skank at home with her man. Obviously, Brigitte is having none of it and storms inside for a rap duel with the brazen hussy. The lyrics are truly joyful, my favourite lines include:
Brigitte - He would never dump me, tall and sexy as I am.
Slut - Well evidently that's not enough, he must want beauty to wake up to!
Brigitte - I have beauty and brains. That's why he's kept me for five years!
Slut - As they say, out with the old and in with the new!
Can you believe the nerve of this bitch?! Thankfully, Brigitte sets the woman straight by the end of the song. "Give Me A Chance" is a veritable trash classic.
Things spiral even further out of control with "Who Told You", which is the moving tale of a well-hung man who doesn't know how to use his amazing endowment. Poor Brigitte pleads - "you're such a popular boy, you were born with such a beautiful toy. Do you know how to use it?" Trust Brigitte to delve into the big issues. "Who Told You" is one of the most straightforward pop moments on the album and never ceases to cheer me up.
As if "I Am The One... Nobody Else" isn't fabulous enough, Brigitte recently married a hot Italian stud, more than 20 years her junior. She even made him wear underwear to the wedding! Brigitte is, and will always be, the one for me.
Brigitte's wedding day
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